The party that keeps going and going and going

Have you ever danced with Jesus, Siegfried and Roy, Cleopatra, Harry Potter, Batman, a walking banana, Wonder Woman and five Hulk Hogans - all at the same time? Ever lost yourself in collective hysteria - all to a soundtrack of what seems to be six or seven songs on repeat sung in the German Rhineland dialect?

No? Then you’ve never been to the Cologne Carnival.

There are a lot of versions of Carnival around the world, those last few days of iniquity before the penitential period of Lent, when Christians fast in reflection of their savior’s 40 days in the desert. And I don’t mean the dressed up Jesus, or the very many Jesuses, that you will see here.

In Cologne, it seems everyone here has quite a bit of steam to let off before the piety begins. It’s hard to imagine for anyone that hasn’t experienced it first hand. Six days of non-stop partying. Fun with a capital F.

Smooched by seasoned women

For the people who live and grew up here, Carnival is simply a part of life. Year in, year out, the party returns. The rhythm of the Rhineland.

If you’re not from here, you can safely assume you would be amazed. My first encounter with the Cologne Carnival was 10 years ago. I was 21 years old and studying philosophy in Berlin. My friend Max invited me to Cologne, said I absolutely "had to come and see this." He picked me up at the airport on Thursday, what’s known as Weiberfastnacht, and took me straight to the Zülpicherstraße - one of the centers of the revelry in Cologne.

After parking in a sea of people dressed up in all the colors and sparkles of the rainbow, we got out of the car and were attacked almost immediately by a horde of about 10 women dressed as pirates and deranged clowns. Great start - kissed a bunch of times by women well into their forties - at least. "Oh that’s normal," Max reassured me.

"Okay," I said, and off we went into a night during which I had so much fun I think my brain broke down by the end of it. I woke up the next morning and, among other things, had lost the nail on my right big toe. And my hair smelled like it had been significantly singed.

"You are going to need to pace yourself, Gabe," Max had instructed me when he picked me up at the airport. What I didn’t understand was that he meant for the next six days, and not just one night. And even that I wasn’t able to do.

Energizer bunny

You’d think after a rough night the last thing in the world you’d want to see is more partying. At midday on Friday, sure enough, hundreds of people were out on the Zülpicherstraße again, dressed up and ready to go.

And the same goes for Saturday and Sunday, too. It just keeps going, and going, and going…

I remember back then that by this time I had begun to question whether I was in one of the circles of hell. What does Dante’s gate say again? "ABANDON ALL HOPE - YE WHO ENTER HERE" -

With those six or seven songs still on repeat, it’s not entirely impossible to abandon hope in Cologne. And then come the floats and parades.

Although I personally despise parades, I can remember the "Züge" that I saw back then were actually really refreshing. It was genuinely amusing to watch all the dressed up kids getting so excited about the floats. And the parents, too!

This is where I got a sense of how all-encompassing the Cologne Carnival is. There is essentially no part of society that doesn’t participate. From kids to the elderly, from mangers to bums, from Hulk Hogan to Jesus - this festival truly is for everyone.

Strong ambivalence

Now that I live here, however, I have a much better sense of how virulently hated this festival is, too. In Cologne, the party is all but unavoidable, and if you don’t feel like partying or seeing people partying, then it’s best that you get out.

And that is what many people do.

In this part of the country, Thursday and Monday are holidays, so it makes for a perfect getaway to Majorca or any other southern destination where it’s a bit warmer than freezing - a perfect way to leave the revelry, debauchery and litter (in the literal sense) behind.

In true German fashion, despite the pandemonium of the past days, the clean up crews will have the streets of Cologne spotless again by Wednesday - at the very latest.