Germans Too Hot for Sex This Summer

Germany got two blessings this summer: a wildly successful World Cup and a hot, sunny summer. Thanks to the combination of mass-released endorphins and global warming, Germany is no longer believed to be a boring country of obsessive-compulsive busy-bees, but rather a northern Mediterranean paradise of party animals and politicians who spend most of their time jumping up and down in soccer stadiums.

Unfortunately, we're only now beginning to learn about the other side of the medal. The World Cup lasted four weeks, but the hot weather persisted even longer -- with disastrous consequences for Germany's sex life.

Apparently, Germans simply don't get hot for love when it's sizzling hot outside. They just don't have the Brazilian stamina for that kind of thing. Which is exactly why Germany's -- and Europe's -- largest erotica company, Beate Uhse, announced disappointing results for the first half of 2005.

Unfulfilled desires

"Because the summer has been so hot, we got to feel the consumers' disinclination to buy," said management spokeman Otto Christian Lindemann on Monday.

The company revenues fell by 138.5 million euros ($176.5 million) -- almost five percent -- when compared to the same period in 2005.

"Our expectations remain, therefore, unfulfilled."

After weeks of frustrated financial and erotic expectations, however, Germany experienced a significant temperature drop in August. It is only to be hoped that the Saharan temperatures did not leave a permanent mark on the German psyche.

Therefore, dear German friends, it's time to stand up for your weather preferences and say an even louder "no" to global warming. Long live the Kyoto Agreement!